by Holly Osterman

Brooklyn-based Darcey Steinke is an accomplished author. Her memoir and novels have been translated into ten languages and her non-fiction has been published in major newspapers and magazines across the country.  But menopause hit Darcey hard. She struggled with hot flashes, insomnia and depression. On her search to understand what was happening to her, it became clear that she was surrounded by a culture of silence.  Wanting to understand menopause in a more complex and spiritual way, Darcey wrote Flash Count Diary.

In her new book, Darcey explores aspects of menopause that have rarely been written about before. We recently had an opportunity to interview Darcey and discuss her book, as well as her personal journey through menopause.

Darcey, you’ve written five novels and taught at several major universities. In your latest book, you share both exhaustive research on menopause and your very personal story. What inspired you to write Flash Count Diary?

I was going through the change, having hot flashes, etc. and—as I looked around for books that might help me understand the change in a nuanced way—all I found was either medical books or screeds for hormone replacement, neither of which got at the deep changes I felt in my body and my mind. So I decided I would write my own book, write the kind of open and honest book about the female body that I would want to read myself.

You admitted that you knew more going into menstruation and pregnancy than you did going into menopause. All women likely feel just as blindsided by this change in their lives. Why do you feel that knowledge gap still exists?

Shame. Shame the culture makes us feel, because now that we are not fertile, we are labeled as useless. Women do not always even talk to close friends about menopause and what they are going through. And mothers do not always tell daughters. That is one of the first things we can do is start to have conversations about this topic.  Many people who read the book are telling me they are asking their mothers what it was like for them. And that makes me very happy.

You struggled with the feeling that your story was over and that nothing more would happen to you. And yet, you found a way to change your narrative. How can women escape the stereotype and better tell their own stories?

We can’t let others define us: we must define ourselves. You have to feel that there is more for you, and build a world out from menopause, a rich life full of the things that are generative and that will help you continue to grow. It’s a time to self-invest and invest in the greater world as well, resistance and volunteer work.  It was very hard for me at first. The struggle was real. The physical changes and also just feeling not like myself. But the struggle was worth going through, a kind of training for who I feel I am now.

We have access to so much information on menopause than ever before. You’d mentioned that the endless lists of symptoms, however, don’t help you or lift you up. Most of us would agree. How should we use the information, content and stories we have available to help us find the direction we need?

A good doctor who will not push hormones on you. Hormones might be right for you, but they might not as well. It should not be a given, but a choice.  Also speaking to your friends about what they went though and how they made it through. Things like yoga and meditation have been shown to work.  Each women’s journey is different. It’s not a one size fits all kind of thing.  You need to take the transition into your own hands and decide what YOU are going to do.

Many members in our forum have said that they feel alone and isolated during their journeys through menopause. One of the women you interviewed felt herself becoming more invisible each day.  What advice would you give to women who want to become more visible and feel more relevant?

When women say they feel invisible, I think that means mostly to men and also maybe to younger people. The groups that really see us are women in our own age group, so I would say start there for support. Female friendship is amazing and validating.  I would suggest rather than trying to get male attention, just focus on making yourself happy. I think we have to turn away from it, not try to make it better somehow. We can also work in the greater world to push back against ageism, whether that means calling out unfair depictions on social media, supporting older women in the places we work, standing up in conversations with men and women about the value of older women, and not debasing our own selves with jokes about menopause and aging.

You and your researchers interviewed so many professionals as you wrote the book. How has the medical community responded to Flash Count Diary? And what’s next for you?

The people—some women, some doctors who are pro-HT—have pushed back some. In the book, I make clear I am telling my own story.  My mother took hormones and then got breast cancer, so there is no way I could, without anxiety, go on HT. Each woman must choose, but the HT people can be very fierce, even punishing, I have felt. To many of them, it’s the only way to go through menopause. That’s just not true. There are as many ways as women.  That said, some doctors have been great, more open and  appreciative of the tone and spirit of the book. My book is not a medical text. I am not a doctor. It’s more like a poem or a novel in its close discussion of the female body and mind as it moved through the change. It’s nuanced. It does not come to any conclusions.

Unsure of what is next for me. Just thinking about it now and resting. Writing a book can really deplete you, but in a good way. And for me at least, it’s key to fill back up again. I am doing that. I am at my little cabin upstate, still doing phone press for the UK launch of Flash Count Diary that came out last week there, but also resting. Reading, thinking, trying to watch the birds in my yard very carefully. There will be some months of this before I start to think about what comes next.

You can find out more about Darcey on her website and pick up a copy of her book at Amazon or other major booksellers.